Befriend Your Past

I think often of the movie, "The Lion King." Maybe because it was one of my fave movies growing up and I had the sing-along VHS tapes. Or maybe because it's pretty dang allegorical.

One of my favorite scenes is between the emerging adult Simba and Rafiki, the wise, Yoda-like figure. The post-adolescent Simba is grappling with his stunted identity and runs into the blue-butted baboon for free therapy. Rafiki ain't havin' it and ends up wacking Simba, trying to knock some sense into the thick skull of the young lion:

Adult Simba : I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]

Adult Simba : Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki : It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

[laughs]

Adult Simba : Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki : Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

This scene is brilliant on so many levels. One, it's quite funny. Love that weird, sassy monkey. But two, it's so real to the human condition. None of us are partial or particular fans of suffering. (If you are, there are special 12 step groups for you...)

I hate to be the Debbie Downer, (wah...wah), but to deny suffering is to deny reality. Suffering is a major, uncontrollable part of this whole life thing. So what do we do when it doesn't fit into the filtered, glowed-up version of our lives that we pine for in our heads? (Can't I just edit that ish out?)

What happens is this: we run, we ignore, or we simply cope with the pain with a myriad of "coping mechanisms" and band-aids. But the issue remains. And with time, no air gets in and you guessed it: stagnation. We become stunted. We become lifeless. And we start to lead lives of quiet desperation, as Walden once said.

Simba, in running away from his past, is running away from himself. He uses "perpetual Hakuna Matata" adolescence to deny his deepest issues: guilt and shame. So he self-rejects, and lives a life of running away and pacification, with that nice, little Swahili phrase: Hakuna Matata, or "no worries." By eliminating his pain and stuffing it down, he assumes a false comfort and creates a sub-reality. "Sometimes bad things happen, and there's nothing you can do about it. So, why worry? Why do anything?" I think that's the lie of powerlessness we get trapped in. The past is in the past, and there's nothing we can do about it now. So, why go back? Why re-engage that pain?

The answer is simple and I am stealing this from a much wiser and cooler woman than I, Sr. Miriam Heidland, SOLT. "Pain that is not transformed is transmitted."

So, if that pain transmits, where does that pain end up? (That's my next post.)

Um, woof. So all the pain I'm denying, repressing, numbing, minimizing, and dissociating from is not going to conveniently poof and go away? Maybe I can go full-out old lady Rose in Titanic and drop it in the ocean in the end? Sorry, homegirl.

But I want to end with some positive fuzzies because, girl, we're gentle here: the pain you experienced is not your fault. Let me say it again for the people in the back: your childhood pain and trauma is not your fault. Like zero percent. Any abuse, family dysfunction, or lack of security you received as a little girl is so. not. your. fault.

That being said: just because your childhood trauma isn't your fault, does not give you a free pass to become a life-long victim or simply pass it over as "nothing" and dismiss the damage. It is our responsibility to sort out the trauma and pain. It is our divine right as daughters of God to empower ourselves, re-write our story, and heal the original wound.

Btw, no shaming here. Sweetheart, we all are mega-guilty of escaping/ignoring/anesthetizing our discomfort. Some examples are Netflix binges, shopping, scrolling social media mindlessly for hours, over-eating/drinking, constantly texting, sexual acting out, Pinteresting the crap out of our houses, attention-seeking, becoming #bossladies (aka work-obsessed), or serial dating. Pick your poison. We all escape in one way, or many.

That being said...

Sis, I got some questions for you to mull over with your matcha tea latte:

What is your normal and tried and true “coping” behavior?

What are thoughts and/or old memories that keep coming into your mind that you want to ignore or bury? (These are called "thought patterns" and this is the juicy stuff that holds all the keys to your stunted growth.)

How do you escape, how do you ignore when they come up?

And on a lighter and very hope-filled note: there is GREAT news. We can re-wire and learn new patterns. We can pay attention to our "auto-pilot" ways of ignoring and change the script in our brains. We can become new. And that's what this online project is all about. Doing the inner work so we can live the dream that the little girl inside us is waiting for.

xoxo,

a little girl rising